More than Fifty Four Ways to Die
by OverMaster
Summary: Anthology of short HTF snippets. Hopefully as Original Flavor as possible. You won't find humanizations or sappy Flippy/Flaky romances here, no offense, since I'm sure YOURS is good . Tons of standard Tree Friends hijinks.


_Happy Tree Friends_ and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Mondo Mini Shows/Mondo Media, and the author of this set of short pieces has made absolutely no material profit from it, and never will do.

Similarly, all non-HTF characters mentioned here are the properties of their respective copyright holders.

Any non-parodic, non-totally safe similarity between the characters and events of these ministories and anyone or anything ever actually seen in real life is a pure coincidence. For real! Then again, like you could expect anything else from HTF.

Read. Review. Please. PLEASE! PLEASE!

**Original Sin**

Giggles looked at the shiny, red, juicy, tempting apple in her hands, and took a first big bite out of it.

Then the big fat worm living in the apple made its way up Giggles' skull, drilling up and up, making her squirm, choke and gasp as blood flowed freely out of her nose, mouth and ears, eventually along small chunks of her gray matter. Finally, she plummeted down at Cuddles' feet, dead.

Then God showed up and asked, "Who has dared to eat the forbidden fruit of the apple tree?"

Cuddles blinked, then pointed down at the dead body still holding the apple.

The ground opened itself, and a large fault vomiting hellfire swallowed Giggles' corpse whole.

Cuddles looked up at God's divine light, smiled and shrugged, then tried to go on his own merry way before becoming a pile of ashes.

God sighed. "Oh, Cuddles. I warned you. Don't ever look straight at My Light, for no mortal flesh can withstand it..."

**Lumpy of 2814**

"The Ring. Take it..." the dying alien murmured weakly. The green ring glowed brightly in his extended hand. "The duty is yours now. Find Parallax and stop him... Find Parallax..."

The blue bipedal moose gulped, approaching the crashed ship enough to grab the ring. He put it on, and gasped in awe as it instantly created a green uniform identical to the one Abin Sur had been wearing (and bleeding all over) on Lumpy's own body.

"The Ring will allow you to create constructs of energy limited only by your own willpower and imagin—"

Lumpy had already created a giant pair of scissors that accidentally severed his own neck.

"... well, crap, " Abin Sur said with his last breath.

**Someone to Remember Him By**

Over Cuddles' grave, Giggles dried her tears and looked up.

Even if she had lost him, she'd still bear the child who was a sum of them both...

Unfortunately, since baby bunnies are larger than baby chipmunks, Giggles' baby was too big for her and killed her from the inside.

**CSI: Happy Tree Village**

Inspector Lumpy looked at the grisly scene. A mortified Flaky lay on her bed on her stomach, with a naked Flippy impaled on her back's quills, slowly bleeding all over her.

Inspector Lumpy looked at Sub-Inspector Cuddles, who was taking quick notes. "What do you think? Accident, or homicide?"

Sub-Inspector Cuddles only shrugged his shoulders.

**You aren't Jim Carrey**

Dr. Lumpy looked reverently at the ancient ceremonial mask he had just dug out of the burial site. The inscriptions said it held miraculous powers far beyond the understanding of any Tree Friend...

Drooling, Dr. Lumpy put it on.

The truly miraculous power burned his face's flesh off, consumed his vital energy, sucked his meat dry into dust, and left him a mummified husk.

The mask looked good on him now, though.

**No Matter how you Put it...**

By then, they were warily savvy enough the risks involved in any game they decided to play, so they decided to put it to voting.

Cuddles suggested baseball, but after Lumpy accidentally sent a bat flying and it struck through Sniffles' head, the idea was discarded.

Giggles suggested waterpolo, but after Disco Bear suffered a cramp and drowned, no one else wanted anything to do with the idea.

Mime suggested golf, but Petunia had suffocated into a sand trap last week, so the idea was rejected.

Lifty and Shifty suggested hide and go seek, but after the last three times they had used that to steal everyone else's valuables away while they hid, the others just kicked them out.

Finally, Flaky suggested a nice, quiet, safe game of Sudoku, and everyone agreed.

Some five minutes later, somehow, Lumpy had managed to kill everyone else in the game. Heartbroken, he swore never to grab a pencil again...

**When you Wish Upon a Star**

It was a very cold winter night.

Lumpy saw a shooting star up in the sky and wished for money. After walking a few blocks more, he found a lost wallet full of dollar bills.

Giggles saw a shooting star up in the sky and wished for romance. A few minutes later, Cuddles knocked at her door bringing chocolate and flowers.

Splendid saw a shooting star up in the sky and wished for a challenge. Seconds later, a giant hydra monster attacked the town, killing thousands.

The Mole (somehow, somewhat) saw a plummeting satellite up in the sky, burning upon re-entry. Mistaking it for a shooting star, he wished for something to keep him warm. The satellite fell on top of the hydra monster and exploded, creating a huge burst of flames that consumed most of the town. The Mole clapped and sat before a fire to warm his paws up.

Splendid sighed and sat down next to him to roast marshmallows.

**As the Old Saying goes...**

There's one million fish in the sea. If you're a Tree Friend, all these fish are sharks.

No good deed goes unpunished. No evil one either, if you're a Tree Friend.

Boys will be boys, until a truck turns them into red paste.

You can't make a cake without breaking a few eggs, and your head if you are a Tree Friend.

Knowledge is power, but if you're a Tree Friend, power is only the means to destroy yourself faster.

**On the Flip Side...**

After several bloody incidents where his war memories triggered murderous rampages, Flippy, feeling guilty and remorseful, decided putting an end to his own life.

The problem was he didn't know how to do it.

When he tried to toss himself off a cliff, he flipped right on the edge, remembering how they tossed prisoners into the sea. Then he went for a few innocents and threw them down.

When he attempted poisoning himself, the smell of the toxins reminded him of the bio warfare razing the jungles down. He flipped, took several prisoners, and forced the poison down their throats. Glass and all.

Trying to drown himself was just as useless. He flashed back to his underwater fights, resurfaced on Russell's boat and skinned him off.

Not even hanging himself worked: When he grabbed a rope, his first instinctive reaction was going to strangle someone else from behind.

So, out of options, he decided to consult an expert on the subject. He was a human, pale and lanky, with short black hair and glasses. His voice was elegant and fluid, with a noticeable Japanese accent.

"Good afternoon, " he said, crossing his hands over his desk. "I'm Itoshiki Nozomu, and I'll try helping you with your farewell from this miserable world. But please let's make this quick, I must kill myself before dinnertime..."

It didn't go so great.

**Pop's Solution**

Since he never could celebrate Cub's birthday, he celebrated the anniversary of his death instead.

**A Devastating Blow**

Giggles held her copy of the final volume of _Mahou Sensei Negima!_ in her hands and sniffed.

"Things between us didn't end the way I expected them to... And now, I'll never see you again! I've got nothing left to live for!"

And she jumped to her death.

Don't laugh. I almost did the same thing.

**Graduation Day**

"... And above it all, I want to thank my father, " the young adult Cub finished his brief speech. He was lacking both eyes, a leg, an arm, both ears, most teeth, half the fingers of his remaining hand, and even his boy-parts under the diapers he still wore, but he was, somehow, alive. "For making me grow tough and able to survive anything life could throw my way. I love you, Dad!"

Pop sniffed tears of joy back as the crowd in the auditorium applauded.

Cub thanked everyone with a nod, then walked down the podium.

In the process, his crutch broke down. He tripped, fell down, broke his neck and died instantly.

TO BE CONTINUED…?

**Next**: Someone most probably dies. Gee, ya think…?


End file.
